Parents share gestures of love and support that helped after baby loss

SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING: Please be aware, this article discusses baby loss.

“What can I do to help?” someone kindly asked me in the weeks after my sons’ deaths. “Nothing,” I replied. And it was true. There was absolutely nothing that could possibly help the searing pain, or plug the cavern that opened in my heart when I gave birth to my twins at just under 24 weeks into my pregnancy and lost them both. 

This did not mean I did not appreciate that person asking. Every single offer of support was appreciated. Every card, letter, gift, bunch of flowers and offer of home-cooked meals. All of it I associated with love – for me, but also love for my boys. Having lived for just three hours in the arms of my husband and me, the only love they knew physically on this Earth was us. They did not get a lifetime of love or memories, from first introductions to milestone birthdays. All that we have left is the support that surrounded us in the weeks after they died. All those cards and messages now sit in the boys’ memory box, along with their tiny knitted hats they wore during their short lives, and the precious photographs we have of our time together as a family of four in that hospital room. I go back to that box periodically throughout the year, thumb through the photos, and hold their soft hats to my cheeks and nose, hoping there may be some sense of them left there. But mostly I read and re-read the cards and letters we were sent. Messages of support, acknowledgements of our pain, and recognition of our position as parents, at a time when I wondered who or what I was now that my babies had died. These words and messages are the legacy of the love my boys were shown, and they bring me huge amounts of comfort and warmth when I revisit them.

The reason it is so difficult to know what to do, what to say, or how to help when someone dies, is that it truly is too difficult sometimes to put yourself in the shoes of the bereaved and picture how they must feel. It is too painful to even imagine. Never truer perhaps than when someone loses a baby. It is incomprehensible for most people. This can leave grieving mothers and fathers in a very lonely and isolated place. The statistics are staggering when it comes to miscarriage and baby loss. It is likely you, your friends or your family have suffered such a loss. Everyone is different and grieves differently, but through the network of bereaved parents I have now met, there is one thing that stands out – doing and saying nothing can add to the silence and loneliness that so often define the early weeks of grief. In terms of what to say, it is, of course, a time of great sensitivity.

Charities and organisations such as Sands, Tommy’s, Twins Trust and Footprints Baby Loss have a wealth of information on their websites and social media that can help people navigate this and find the words to best support a loved one through their particular circumstance of baby loss – miscarriage, TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons), neonatal death or stillbirth.

To mark Baby Loss Awareness Week (9 to 15 October), I wanted to ask other parents who have experienced loss about their experiences of the things people did and said that helped them most in the early weeks and months after losing their baby.

The first time I got pregnant, I had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks. I became quite ill while miscarrying and ended up being admitted to hospital. During this time, I had support from my husband and mum. Most of my friends shied away, probably due to a fear of saying the wrong thing. A great friend visited me in hospital, armed with a friendly face and an armful of magazines. It was really helpful to see her during this time. Others assumed I wanted privacy, when in fact what I needed was love. Lucy Alford

One of my closest friends had two little bunnies made for our twins while I was pregnant. When she gave them to me after their death, she said, “I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do to give them to you, but they were made specifically for Oscar and Max and I wanted you to have them.” They’re the most treasured items we have for our twins. I was overjoyed to be gifted something just for them. It was absolutely the right thing to do for me and I was so pleased to be given the choice and to be involved in the decision of what happened with them. They now sit in our rainbow daughter’s bedroom. I look at them every day and think of Oscar and Max. When you’re left with so little after a late miscarriage, you really hold on to this kind of thing. People receive gifts when their babies arrive safely and for me this felt like a real acknowledgment that it didn’t matter that they died, they were still just as important to my friend. I have another amazing friend who uses their names, just casually in conversation. It’s never a big moment for her – they’re just part of everyday life. It always takes me by surprise a bit because not many people talk about them, and even if they do, they don’t use their names, so I really appreciate the way she speaks about them. It makes me feel as if they’re as present for her as they are to me. Catherine Jay Chessell

A couple of weeks after our son died, I was home alone and felt desperate. How would I ever feel normal again? He’d had a lack of oxygen during birth and no one had noticed it. As soon as he was born, I immediately felt something was wrong. His brain was too damaged. He lived for five days in the hospital. He never lay in his bed at home. I felt as if I needed to complete something: for him to lie in his crib and for me to experience what it would have been like for him to be alive and at home. I wanted to experience his baby life from his perspective, lying in his bed, watching the ceiling. So, I did. It felt like I was doing something stupid and bad. I didn’t want anyone to know because I felt ashamed. But it also gave me a feeling of rest. During our pregnancy, I met someone who has been very kind and helpful to me through this grieving period. Her mom has died and she doesn’t feel any barriers to talking about grief. I feel comfortable with her because she has been through it all, although in a different way of course. She told me people think of these kinds of things during grief and it’s good if you act on it because maybe it can help. Another friend who lost her dad told me that she still sniffs his shirt after twenty years, and although surely it doesn’t smell like her dad anymore, it still helps her to feel close to him. Anonymous

I couldn’t bear to wear my maternity clothes after losing my son at 23 weeks, so a friend leant me a huge bag of clothes, which I wore until I fitted back into my pre-pregnancy wardrobe. That was 14 years ago now and I’m still so very thankful to Juliette. Angeline Braidwood

In October 2022, we attended our IVF clinic at 7 weeks pregnant for what is called a viability scan. It was during this appointment that an IVF nurse told me that our baby looked very small and the heartbeat looked extremely faint on screen. I will never forget seeing that heartbeat on screen, the tiny little flicker of our little one’s chest and a humongous feeling of hope. The following week, we went to the early pregnancy clinic to discover that our baby had died, and I immediately began to bleed. It was at this point that we were introduced to our aftercare nurse, Hazel. Hazel was kind and delicate and experienced. She was so open with us about her own experience of baby loss. Her way of remembering was to plant a pear tree that bloomed during the due month of her baby. I shared with Hazel that I felt guilty – guilty that perhaps our loss wasn’t enough of a loss to be sad about, that I hadn’t been pregnant long enough to grieve for this length of time. She reassured me that most women start to plan their lives around their baby as soon as they have a positive pregnancy test. They start to imagine what the baby will be like, and how the baby will be with their sibling. She made me feel that a loss is a loss no matter how long they have been carried. It was through a couple of meetings with Hazel that we decided to name our baby. Our baby was due in May, and so we decided to call the baby Mae. Naming the baby gave us a sense of closure and allowed us to remember without calling our loss ‘the baby’ or ‘the miscarriage’ or ‘that thing that happened’. Glenda Barber

I lost my twin girls in February. Asking their names means a lot. It shows they existed despite being stillborn at 32 weeks. Alice

My mom was – and is – so supportive of me. What meant the most to me was not having to ask or explain anything. She was just there for me, without platitudes or advice, just there for me. She came to a doctor’s appointment in the children’s hospital for my surviving twin baby the week after she was born, and a mom with twins walked into the waiting room. Immediately, wordlessly, my mom held me as I sobbed. Her physical presence was everything to me in that moment. She also bought me a set of wind chimes in honour of the twin we lost. She got a set for herself, and for her mom, my nana. Having multiple generations in my family acknowledge the loss has been extremely meaningful and healing to me. Andrea Greenwich Heffner

When I returned from 6 months’ maternity leave, someone at work (a manager in a different team) told me how sad she was to hear my twins had died, and asked me their names. She then went on to ask if the names had special meanings and why we chose them. Literally nobody outside health professionals had asked their names before that point and it was such a wonderful moment for her to acknowledge their existence as babies, and not just ‘a loss’. Christina Bigg

My aunt bought bricks in a memory garden for Julianna and Madeline and it touched me deeply. When my girls died, the chaplain who blessed them in the hospital asked about their names – we named them after our grandmothers – and being able to share that was deeply validating. Kimberly Greenberg

I had a stranger last night tell me my surviving twin looked like me. I always respond with, “Thank you. Her twin looked like her daddy.” Instead of staring at me and giving me sad eyes, she asked what her name was and how long I had with her. She told me I was strong and let me tell her the little I knew about my angel. I felt a small sense of pride being able to talk about her as if she was still here for that short period of time. Sara Lykins

My neighbour bought me a stone with Luna’s name and an angel baby on, so I could keep it in my pocket and hold it when I needed it. Michelle Armstrong

My family always include my twins in family occasions. At my brother’s wedding, they had place names, the same as everyone else. At my mum and dad’s ruby wedding, my mum put two red roses and their initials next to their cake. Sharon Darke

My parents helped me sort Adam and Dara’s grave. It can be very distressing after a burial when the grave is bumpy and the soil uneven. My parents flattened it and brought beautiful flowers, and now it looks so cared for and loved. It sounds silly, but I guess when it’s all you have left, it’s the only way I feel I’m still caring for them. My in-laws made the house all clean and inviting for when I came from hospital without them. I remember being so afraid to step into our home the first time, but when I got back, I could see candles inside and people were there. It made such a difference. Eimear Varley

We were gifted a star registry and the star chosen is a binary star, which means it’s made up of two stars bound together that orbit around each other. We have one of my boys surviving, and it’s lovely to think they are bound together in the sky when they can’t be on Earth. Jessica Hope

While my surviving twin was in the hospital for over two months, two of my co-worker friends came to have lunch with me three or four days a week. They weren’t allowed in the NICU, so would just meet me to eat. They were there to listen or just to distract me, whatever I needed, and that break in the day from the grief and the worry that consumed me while sitting with our survivor was so valuable to me. Shannon Rose

Our church family organised a meal train while I was in the hospital, since I had to go back often to deal with infections. They also organised a fundraiser to help us with the burial for our girls. Someone – I don’t even remember who it was – just sent a Bible study about baby loss to our home. My husband and I are doing it together and it has helped us so much with navigating our grief. Alis Rodas-Rivera

I lost my identical twin girls Elsie and Daisy in November 2023. Within days of losing them, ladybirds kept appearing in our house and in my partner’s car (even though it was the wrong season). Since then, I’ve always associated ladybirds with my girls, and I take comfort in seeing them. For Christmas, one of my very good friends bought me a beautiful necklace. She said she felt the two ladybirds symbolised my girls, and the flower was my living daughter who had only just turned 1 when we lost them. It was so incredibly thoughtful of her, and I cherish it wholeheartedly. Katie Pritchard

Photography by Jo Haycock