A: If you’re a parent with a job to get to, or your children have to be in preschool or school by a certain time, this question will probably resonate with you. And whether you’re a disorganised person like me, or an organised person who, on your own, is usually on time or early for everything, your children are unlikely to be working to your agenda.
You can learn to manage your mornings with less stress and more cooperation. Just because this is a common problem for parents doesn’t mean we have to normalise and accept it. Here are some things you can try.
Make lists
Think about the day ahead the evening before. If lists are your thing, or if you’re ready to try them out, think of all the tasks you’ll want to get done in the morning. Once you’ve done that, check again to make sure you’ve thought of everything, including an extra nappy change or visit to the toilet, finding lost shoes, laundry that might suddenly need doing or anything else that could crop up. Be realistic and tend more towards the worst case than the ideal best.
Now check the list again! On reflection, is there anything you can cross out and postpone to a more suitable time of day, or delegate to someone else? And what preparations can you make before going to bed? How about laying the table for breakfast or deciding what you and your little ones will wear, for example.
If you’re making this list before your children’s bedtime, those aged 4 and above might like to get involved, and thinking about what will happen in the morning could help them with their expectations on waking up. Lots of us find it hard to just get on and do something that’s asked of us without time to prepare, so give them and yourself as much time as possible to transition from one thing to the next, gently reminding them that soon it will be time to brush teeth, for example. Then, when the time comes for brushing teeth, they will be expecting it.
When your list feels complete, start planning backwards from the time you need to leave, always allowing a little more time for things than you might actually need. This way, you’ll be able to see what time you need to get up and you’ll have your plan. Over time, as many of your list items remain the same each day, you’ll get into a rhythm that you will all understand and appreciate, and which respects the needs of everyone involved.
Remember to be reflective and review the plan from time to time. Is it working? Is there something extra you forgot to put on? And while your needs might remain much the same, your children will be constantly developing new skills and ideas. Adjust your expectations accordingly and allow your children to do the same. Talk about any changes you want to make, if appropriate, and take any feedback into consideration, even if you think you know better.
Older children may be inspired by your list-making and start making lists of their own. It could be a great activity for you to share precious one-to-one time.
Understand your children’s individual needs, and your own
We’re all different. And so are our needs. The basic ones are the same – love, kindness, nourishment, shelter, warmth – but our differences are what make us who we are. Adults who can respect their children’s particular needs, especially when they are different from their own, will find life a lot easier. If mornings are challenging in your household, try to figure out what’s going wrong. What are your expectations, and are they realistic? Your child may be capable of dressing or feeding themselves, but they’re about to spend a day away from you, so perhaps their demands for help with these activities are their way of connecting with you before a long absence. And try not to judge them by their age and ability, but by their feelings in the moment.
Conversely, have you ever noticed how trying to hurry a child along by ‘helping’ them can actually make everything take much longer and end in tears or resentment?
With more than one child in the family, each can learn to feel safe and secure in a rhythm or routine that allows them to have some one-toone time with you or your partner. Once you’ve connected with them, they can often get on with their own thing while you offer the same to a sibling. If they know they’ll get those precious moments, you’ll find them less demanding in between. Even a young infant can learn to wait a little if they know that you’ll be with them soon. And when you are able to carry this out, you’ll feel so much less divided and stressed, enjoying being there for them and connecting before school and work.
I’m not talking about ‘quality time’ here as a separate activity from getting ready to leave the house. What I’m suggesting is that you can be with them while they wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast or go to the toilet, for example. Your company may be all they need, or you might need to assist them, but the attention you give during this time, if mindful, respectful and not overbearing, will show them how important they are to you and set you both up for the day.
For yourself, if all you want is five minutes peace to collect yourself, have a shower, or drink a hot cup of coffee before leaving the house, how can you manage that? If you’ve got a partner, discuss this, and see how both of your morning needs can be met. If you are doing this on your own, take any moments that show themselves to you unexpectedly and breathe.
Preparation as a tool
If you’re building a house, you make sure you have not only the bricks, but the mortar to hold them together. If you’re teaching a class, you make sure you’ve got your notes and materials ready. In short, you prepare. And if you’re part of a team, you know that you work better together if you each know what the other will do and what your responsibilities are.
At home, you’re probably the ‘general manager’. You spend a lot of time managing the practicalities of meals, laundry and shopping, but you are probably also the ‘HR manager’ (among all the other roles that come under the heading of ‘homemaker’). And if you’re looking after the people side of things, working out how each person functions best and providing them with an environment that facilitates that is a real art.
I’ve already mentioned making lists as a preparation tool, but another thing to try – especially if lists are not your thing – is to talk through the day that’s just been with your child before they go to sleep. Keep it factual: don’t avoid anything that was difficult, but try to include things that made you smile and that you shared with your child. Construct a picture that will remind them about their day in a way that they can process the excitements and challenges. This kind of processing can help them to sleep more soundly, too. It’s about you showing your loving attention and settling your child down for the night.
In the morning, if you wake them, why not sit with them for a while as they emerge from sleep, talking softly or just putting a hand somewhere soothing to help them leave their dreams behind. These moments could be the most peaceful that either of you experience in the day, so make the most of them if you can.
What works for you?
You may be reading this and thinking about what works for you already. What have you discovered in your own family that you can share with others? If you’d like to offer something to the village that we are creating here – either suggestions or questions of your own – you can write to JUNO or directly to me, whichever feels right to you.
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Rachel Tapping helps parents and caregivers to slow down and build loving, respectful relationships with their little ones. Rachel guides adults through a process of investigation, experimentation and embodiment, in person or online, using experiential learning techniques involving play, movement and self-awareness. She is an advanced student of the Pikler approach and has chaired Pikler UK for the last five years. balanced-beings.co.uk and pikler.co.uk
Rachel has a column in JUNO in which she answers your parenting questions. If you have a question for Rachel, you can email her at rachel@balanced-beings.co.uk.
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A callout from Rachel
I’m gathering a group of like-minded parents together to study this approach and to support each other. If you’re interested in finding out more, please let me know here at balanced-beings.co.uk/yes-please
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Published in issue 94 of JUNO. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
