A: This is something I hear a lot. Nappy changes that were once peaceful or joyful experiences for both parent and child bccome events we dread. And that’s a shame! Especially if you consider how many nappy changes happen in just one day, let alone over the couple of years at least that they are needed.
Once you feel stressed, you give off an energy that your baby feels when you pick them up. Your hands tell a story. So does your facial expression. You tell them something is wrong, and their stress levels increase to match yours.
The secret is to find a way to look forward to these moments. And you can use your baby’s new-found mobility to your advantage. Here are some suggestions.
Put yourself in their shoes
Imagine you’re a baby who’s spent the first few months exploring what you can see, hear, feel, smell and taste, from a relatively stable and relaxed position on your back. You’ve discovered your hands and feet, and you’ve lost your balance a few times with your feet in the air and have ended up rolling on to your side. Eventually, you learn to right yourself, and you continue to practise these movements until one day you find yourself on your tummy! More practice follows as you realise the hard work needed to return to your back, until one day you’ve got it. Why wouldn’t you want to explore this more during a nappy change?
Understanding the excitement and curiosity of an infant who has learned a new skill helps us appreciate the frustration caused when someone attempts to curtail the use of it.
The common solution is to rush through nappy changes as quickly as possible, maybe singing, dangling distractions above baby’s head, holding them down or getting someone to help. But there are gentler solutions that will please everyone.
Preparation
Before any nappy change, prepare your space. If you have a changing table, can you put it in a corner of the room so that at least two sides are against walls, reducing the possibility of your little one rolling off ? If you change nappies on the floor, using a dedicated space provides some boundaries for you and your baby.
If your baby is crying or calling for you, let them know that you hear them and prepare the space first before taking them there. (You might want to leave the area ready after a previous time.) The nappy change will go much more smoothly if you know where everything is and can reach it without needing to divert your attention from what you’re doing together.
Time
Unless you absolutely have to hurry, slow down. This is key to so many of the difficulties we have when we’re dealing with the feelings and will of our little ones. It may sound counterintuitive, but it goes back to my earlier point about how our feelings of dysregulation get passed on. We’re aiming for something close to 10 or 20 minutes.
Trust that if you work together with your baby, you can gain their cooperation. While they are not yet able to verbalise, infants can learn what you mean if you use a consistent combination of gesture and words. Over time, babies come to understand what you are asking of them and will respond to your requests. If you are able to create a kind of choreography around nappy changing, your little one will know what to expect and can begin helping. Knowing your own choreography also frees up your attention for following your baby’s cues and using the time for connection.
Intimate interactions
Changing a nappy is one of the most intimate interactions you have with your child. Ute Strub, a German Pikler teacher who has been working with parents and caregivers since the 1970s, once delivered a lecture titled, World Peace Begins on the Changing Table.
Our children learn from experience. Having someone care for our most intimate parts helps to shape our view of ourselves in a deep and meaningful way. If the person looking after us is gentle, slow, responsive and respectful, we feel content even when at our most vulnerable. When you were a child, how did you feel about your genital area? Did you grow up feeling shame about it? Many people do. Could we help to prevent this from happening to our little ones by the way we treat them during this task we undertake together several times a day?
We need our babies and toddlers to know their bodily functions are natural, accepted and normal. When we rush, avoid talking honestly about what we’re doing, or make a fuss about how messy a poo is, for example, what message are we sending our children? It’s important we think about this.
Consent
In the same way that Ute Strub suggests peace is rooted in these moments, could it be that some violence also originates in this way? When we are responsive and respectful, acknowledging that they might be uncomfortable or unwilling, babies begin to learn about consent. If you are working together with your child, waiting for them to be ready and not rushing, they allow and cooperate, giving you permission to proceed. They learn they are valued.
Respecting a child’s ‘no’, even when it’s inconvenient, shows them that they can say no. This can have reverberations throughout their whole lives.
Here’s how
Cleaning a bottom that’s uppermost can be easier than cleaning one that’s underneath. Once you’ve removed a nappy along with most of the poo, allowing your little one to roll over makes sense.
Here’s a step-by-step example of how a peaceful nappy change with a mobile baby might look:
- Make sure you have their attention and tell them it’s time to change their nappy.
- Let them know you’re going to pick them up, then do so, and take them to the prepared changing space. Tell them you’re going to lie them down, then do so as smoothly as possible so they feel relaxed.
- As you begin the undressing, continue with the narrative and take your time, using your gentle hands to indicate which arm or leg you are going to do next. In time, if you always do this in a similar way, your baby will begin to give you their cooperation.
- If their impulse to turn over comes before you’re ready, let them know that you can see they want to turn over and ask them to wait a moment while you do what you need to.
- Try to avoid what we call the ‘chicken hold’ – taking hold of both ankles together and pulling the child’s legs and bottom up. Instead, you can gently slide your forearm under their knees and roll them up that way, or if you need more access, you can respectfully turn them to one side.
- Proceed with the process, thinking about how you communicate your needs and anything your baby needs to know (such as the cream being cold), and end by dressing your baby with gentle hands, indicating what comes next.
When you treat nappy changing as an opportunity for connection and bonding, you really will begin to look forward to it. If this still seems counterintuitive or I’ve left you feeling overwhelmed, please just take what you can from this and allow yourself time to think about any small changes you might want to make moving forward.
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Rachel Tapping helps parents and caregivers to slow down and build loving, respectful relationships with their little ones. Rachel guides adults through a process of investigation, experimentation and embodiment, in person or online, using experiential learning techniques involving play, movement and self-awareness. She is an advanced student of the Pikler approach and has chaired Pikler UK for the last five years. balanced-beings.co.uk and pikler.co.uk
Rachel has a column in JUNO in which she answers your parenting questions. If you have a question for Rachel, you can email her at rachel@balanced-beings.co.uk.
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A callout from Rachel
I’m gathering a group of like-minded parents together to study this approach and to support each other. If you’re interested in finding out more, please let me know here at balanced-beings.co.uk/yes-please
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Published in issue 93 of JUNO. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
