A: Life is full of rules and expectations and young children are constantly having to learn those from us. And it takes a long time! But understanding and appreciating how children learn and their capacity for learning can help build a strong, trusting partnership with your child.
It’s not easy to be with toddlers. On a recent Pikler training in Budapest, we had a lecture on ‘expressing and communicating rules and habits’ from Anna Tardos, child psychologist, and former president of the Hungarian Pikler-Lóczy Association. In her nineties, she’s still teaching, and it’s always a privilege to hear her speak. She pointed out something really important about how many rules we must learn as we transition out of infancy.
Pikler became known for her infants’ home in Budapest, where she, her nurses and medical professionals cared for babies and toddlers whose parents had either died or were not in a position to look after them. They were provided with everything they needed to grow and develop as naturally as if they lived in a family home, but in an environment where there were virtually none of the dangers or rules that exist in most households. To counter this, in the toddler years, these children would be taken in groups of two or three to the Play House – a small building in the grounds that is still used today. Here they would encounter such things as a hot stove, plugs and sockets, and rules about putting things in their places or being more aware of others’ needs. The pedagogue overseeing their hour or so in the Play House each week would gently guide them through the new expectations and rules, helping to prepare them for how it might be when eventually they rejoined their families or were adopted.
As adults, it’s our job to verbalise and communicate these rules and expectations simply and to make sure our children follow them. And that’s not easy for young children. As they move from infancy to toddlerhood, there are many new tasks that require adjusting to others’ needs as well as taking care of themselves in new ways. In infancy, we usually try to keep rules to a minimum and our little ones safe by removing danger or creating a safe space for them to play and move. But when children transition from the home to nursery, a childminder or similar, there are suddenly new rules and expectations to learn while simultaneously dealing with separation, new people and a whole new environment. That’s a lot!
As an analogy, just think about how you might have experienced starting a new job in a field you’ve never worked in, or meeting your in-laws and extended family for the first time, or perhaps moving from one country or culture to another. In all these situations, you’d find yourself having to learn new ‘rules’ or norms. But even then, as an adult, you can inform yourself and feel a little prepared in advance. A young child has nothing to base their new experiences on.
All this is by way of saying that we need to put ourselves in our children’s shoes. If they’re finding transition difficult, forgetting new rules, or feeling thwarted and struggling with big emotions, isn’t that understandable? Toddlers need time to understand that their natural inclination to test and try things out isn’t always safe or acceptable. They need to know that you understand their urges and that they’re not wrong or naughty, just exploring newly discovered possibilities. The fact that some things are not OK because they’re dangerous or socially unacceptable, for example, requires time and learning to come to terms with.
Anna Tardos’ example was of taking count of the number of rules that apply to eating a slice of buttered bread. She counted at least ten! These included sitting at the table, putting the food on a plate, wiping buttery fingers, etc. I’m sure you could think of more.
So, what can we do to make learning and keeping the ‘rules’ easier and less stressful for all concerned?
There are some things we don’t need to teach. For example, how important is it that a very young child should say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’? Personally, I would say not at all. These are things that will be learned by example. And you can acknowledge them when they do them, showing that you’ve noticed and appreciate them for it. If you’re polite to your child and polite to others, your child will pick that up. Also, you need to make sure that all the language you use and the behaviours you model are those you want to see. For example, if you don’t want your child to be on screens all the time, avoid being on screens in front of them. If you don’t want them to shout or be rude, don’t shout or be rude to them. This goes for all family members and others who spend time with your toddler.
Rules that you decide upon need to be clear, concise and kept to a minimum. They also need to be unambiguous. Of course, you may have rules in your home that are different from nursery or someone else’s home. That can be confusing, so it’s OK to point it out: ‘At Grandma’s we always put shoes on to go in the garden. We don’t always do that at home.’
Children are easily overwhelmed. They really want to please you while also having a deep need for following their instinctive sense of curiosity. Consequently, continuing to make the child’s environment as safe as possible is still important during this period. If they’re not allowed to use your phone, don’t leave it where they can reach it. If there’s a room they shouldn’t enter alone, or they’re not supposed to help themselves to food from the fridge, make sure they can’t open the doors by using childproof locks, for example. Planning ahead means fewer rules to learn, fewer stressful encounters, and a more peaceful home or nursery.
In my previous article, I mentioned red rules for what you hold as being your most important values when communicating your wishes to other adults caring for your child. The red rules are important here, too. What does your child absolutely need to do to stay safe, or perhaps to fit in with a strongly held belief or value in your family? Decide what these are and, with patience and kindness, help them to understand how important these are for you. Our rules help to create the culture we want to grow within our families and other settings, such as nursery. They establish the norms, reinforce our preferred standards of behaviour and create an incentive to adopt them in order to be part of the family.
I’m not suggesting that you sit down and tell your child all the rules. Yes, it’s good to be prepared, but with little ones, simple repetition when a rule needs to be applied is better. And if you know that a situation is imminent in which they have previously struggled to learn something new, a moment aside before it occurs to remind them of it may help them. For instance, in the example above about wearing shoes in Grandma’s garden, taking a moment to remind them what you do at Grandma’s before you arrive might help.
In the same vein, once a situation has occurred where a little one feels challenged by a rule, you can take some time to empathise with them, acknowledging that it was difficult to follow and, where appropriate, talking about how to make it easier the next time. ‘I noticed how difficult it was for you to do that. You really didn’t want to. How can we make it easier for you another time?’
This period of learning often coincides with other changes in your little ones’ lives. It could be starting nursery, the arrival of a new sibling, or just the natural stages of development that can already lead to bigger emotions. Knowing this, you can be sure to take it into consideration when you feel your patience begin to wane. Again, put yourselves in their shoes and by doing so you’ll understand and can acknowledge what you think they might be experiencing. You can still keep the boundary or rule that you’ve set, if you still feel it’s important, but with a gentle approach that lets your little one know that you know it’s hard for them.
If you really think about it, some rules and expectations are redundant. I don’t know about you, but with my own young children, I often found myself saying ‘no’ to something without really thinking. This kind of reaction tends to happen in a flash and these instinctive responses come from a deep part of the brain that we go to when we’re under pressure. In most cases, these patterns of ours come from our own experience of being parented and may not be appropriate or necessary for our children. If this happens to you, you don’t have to stick to it if, on reflection, you realise that it was a snap response without reasoning behind it. In these moments, I used to find myself digging my heels in because I had to be ‘right’ and couldn’t allow for the possibility that my child might have an opinion or a point. It’s hard, but if we want our children to trust us and learn healthy behaviours, it’s worth considering how to deal with such situations, and the skills that they will learn if we change our position – compromise, how to apologise, respect.
If, with all this applied, you find yourself struggling to get through to your child, think about whether they are mature enough to understand. Simplify as much as possible and keep your messages clear, even if it means repeating yourself (kindly and patiently) many times. Make a direct request or state the rule clearly – follow up with a simple reason if necessary – and gently remind each time, using similar words or phrases to make them easier to remember.
Trust is key. We want to learn to trust our children and they need to trust us too. By being mindful, patient, respectful and clear, you’ll find yourself saying no less and less often and feeling much more connected with your children – in partnership rather than power struggles.
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Rachel Tapping helps parents and caregivers to slow down and build loving, respectful relationships with their little ones. Rachel guides adults through a process of investigation, experimentation and embodiment, in person or online, using experiential learning techniques involving play, movement and self-awareness. She is an advanced student of the Pikler approach and has chaired Pikler UK for the last five years. balanced-beings.co.uk and pikler.co.uk
Rachel has a column in JUNO in which she answers your parenting questions. If you have a question for Rachel, you can email her at rachel@balanced-beings.co.uk.
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A callout from Rachel
I’m gathering a group of like-minded parents together to study this approach and to support each other. If you’re interested in finding out more, please let me know here at balanced-beings.co.uk/yes-please
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A shorter version appeared in issue 92 of JUNO. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
