A: If there was only one way to be a parent, it would be easy. You could hand over responsibility to chosen caregivers with a few simple instructions and get on with your day. If you’re fortunate, those who spend significant time with your children will have a similar approach to you or will have taken the time to ask you how you want them to care for your child. If this is the case, it’s likely that there won’t be too many occasions when you’ll feel challenged. But what do you do when another caregiver’s approach clashes with yours and leaves you feeling desperate, angry and disrespected?
So, you’re doing your thing – feeling your way and learning every day from this new human being. You find out what works – and what doesn’t – and gradually your own unique parenting style evolves. It’s intense, exhausting, exhilarating and life-changing, and arguably the most important role you will ever take on.
Whether or not you planned your family, the likelihood is that during pregnancy, or before, you gave some thought to how you would approach being a parent. Perhaps you read books, trawled the internet, spoke with friends and your own parents. If you have a partner, you will probably have discussed ideas and approaches with them. But as I always say, until you actually become a parent, you don’t really know how you will be. And the same goes for your partner.
When your first child is born, the parent in you is born too. All the knowledge and advice you’ve gathered up until then is stored intellectually in your mind, but in fact, experience is your biggest teacher.
Fortunate parents find like-minded others to share this journey with. But many rely on grandparents to give support along the way, or on childminders and nurseries, where choice can be limited and the care offered might not always align with your ideas of what’s needed.
And what if you and your partner find that your approaches clash on some level? How do you navigate your way through and come out with your significant relationships intact and your choices for your child respected?
To a child, the relationship is all. An infant who has secure, loving relationships with one, two or three significant adults is likely to thrive. So finding a healthy way to communicate and resolve issues and accept differences of opinion is vital in providing a stable home environment.
Here are some tips that might help.
Red lines. These are your boundaries – where you draw the line. What are the most important aspects of your approach? If you’ve spent time researching, reading, discussing and experiencing, you’ll be able to define your red lines and let people know why you believe in them.
Maybe it’s your daily rhythm – mealtimes, naps, bedtime. Perhaps you’re taking an NVC approach (Nonviolent Communication). You might be clear that no one is to interfere with your baby’s motor development – no propping, sitting, tummy time, aided walking, for instance.
Decide what your absolute priorities are and find healthy ways to communicate these.
Clear communication. I recommend that parents and caregivers agree to make time to discuss how things are going. I know it can be hard to find space in busy lives, but if you can get used to doing this regularly, it can evolve into a powerful, supportive and nurturing practice that helps to grow this new element of your relationship.
It’s so easy for individuality, personality and relationship to get lost or sidelined when parenting takes over. Our feelings of responsibility alongside any parent guilt sometimes take precedence over everything else and our selfhood gets lost. You’re still the same person, and so is your partner. But clear, healthy communication can easily break under pressure and the friendship and trust you started out with need work to be fully maintained.
You may no longer have time to go on dates or share the pursuits you did before starting a family, but evolving your partnership together in this next phase can be just as exciting and rewarding.
If you’re not used to it, talking about emotive issues can be difficult. Before you begin, discuss some ground rules around how you can focus on being constructive and supportive so that you can build your relationship rather than undermine it.
Begin by talking about what’s going well, the positive things you’ve noticed in the interactions between your partner or other caregiver and your child and how much you appreciate them. Then move on to anything that you’d like to address. All of this takes practice to not sound as if you’re lecturing or being patronising, but these skills are for life and are well worth working on.
If you can keep yourself from blaming, shaming or saying what you think someone did ‘wrong’ – speaking about your feelings and responses and not theirs, your ideas and the reasons behind them, not what you think they were thinking – the person you’re addressing may find it easier to hear you.
If you really hear what they have to say in response, they’ll be more able to share their feelings, and agreement will become possible.
Not in front of the children. Unless it’s a matter of safety, please don’t address your differences over the heads of your children. Remember, they’re like sponges, absorbing everything they hear and feel around them. And these matters can be highly emotive, and a perceived challenge can create conflict between you and another adult. When sharing the care of children, partnership and cooperation are vital and your little ones need to know that you’re united. Make a note of the feelings that you’re having – they’re important. Try to be objective in thinking about both what you’ve just observed – behaviour and outcome – and the responses engendered in yourself and, if relevant, in your child. You can talk about it later when you’re calm and you’ve had time to consider how best to approach it.
Backing up your ideas. If you’ve based your approach on research of any kind, read something helpful or listened to a great podcast, share it. When discussion is tricky to begin, having resources as a starting point can really help. You can approach difficult topics from a broader perspective, exploring your responses more generally and then working out what will be an agreeable way forward. This can also work well with your parents or parents-in-law who might find it easier to accept what you’re suggesting when it’s backed up in this way and, therefore, not a direct challenge. (Grandparents can feel very triggered if their ways are criticised. They brought you or your partner up, after all. Are you telling them they got it wrong?)
Ultimately, it’s down to you. If you’re the main caregiver, managing your and your child’s relationships with significant others goes with the territory. And sometimes that means compromise.
If you’ve identified your red lines, you know clearly where you stand. That’s a great first step. If you’ve communicated those to the significant others, you’re doing really well.
But as I said earlier, for the child, relationship is everything. If your partner or another caregiver is unable to agree or finds it hard to practise these things, what are your choices?
My advice is to develop a practice of acceptance. Unless you believe that your child’s physical or emotional wellbeing is at risk, don’t worry. Accept that your child has the right to their relationships with these adults, however much they may deviate from your approach. Accept that these others have a right to form their relationships with your child on their terms.
And when your children say, ‘But Grandma/Daddy/Mummy lets me...’ take a deep breath, then let it go, long and slow. Acknowledge your child’s feelings, remind them that you have your ways and others have theirs, and be secure in the knowledge that children are adaptable to change and quickly learn to accept differences.
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Rachel Tapping helps parents and caregivers to slow down and build loving, respectful relationships with their little ones. Rachel guides adults through a process of investigation, experimentation and embodiment, in person or online, using experiential learning techniques involving play, movement and self-awareness. She is an advanced student of the Pikler approach and has chaired Pikler UK for the last five years. balanced-beings.co.uk and pikler.co.uk
Rachel has a column in JUNO in which she answers your parenting questions. If you have a question for Rachel, you can email her at rachel@balanced-beings.co.uk.
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A callout from Rachel
I’m gathering a group of like-minded parents together to study this approach and to support each other. If you’re interested in finding out more, please let me know here at balanced-beings.co.uk/yes-please
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A shorter version appeared in issue 90 of JUNO. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
