A: Taking playthings from another child is completely normal behaviour. So why does it make us feel this way? Is it because we’ve been taught the importance of sharing, being kind and putting others first? And why is our instinctive response so deeply one of embarrassment, or rather, shame?
Embarrassment is rooted in shame. It’s a rare thing to find an adult who hasn’t experienced something that made them feel ashamed. Well-meaning adults in our childhood probably contributed to this, talking about us to others – maybe telling a ‘funny’ story or detailing our toileting habits, for example – not realising how that would make us feel. These conversations have become a socially accepted way of sharing our experience of parenting, used perhaps as a means of connection. And these days, you only have to scroll for a short while on social media to see examples of parents laughing at their crying child for some innocent but perfectly normal faux pas.
It’s hard not to project adult feelings and judgements on to our children. They’re like an extension of ourselves, and we assume that we – and our parenting – will be judged by their behaviour. That is probably true, but is it fair?
Shame and embarrassment are genuine feelings, but in these situations, they’re founded in a notion of a culture that expects a young child to adhere to social norms that they are simply not developmentally ready to learn. Their brains need to evolve the necessary capacities, and that takes time.
Our children are not ‘mini-mes’. They are whole human beings in their own right and, as I often say, our role is not to mould or shape them, but to guide them, giving and holding space for them to grow into autonomous, independent beings. Watching them do that can be hard. We are confronted by their as yet clumsy experiments in how to behave, as in this example. So how can we learn to cope with our feelings, create the space and time they need, and gently accompany them while they learn?
We have to show the child that they have options and agency. And it’s so important to think about what we are bringing into the situation from our own experience. Making time to pause and consider our reflexive responses is crucial, so as not to project any kind of victim– aggressor energy towards them.
So firstly, don’t assume that the child wishes to upset or hurt the other. It will help if we understand the possible reasons why one child may wish to take what they see another child playing with. At the most basic level, it’s probably one of two things: ‘Ooh! That looks really interesting. I want to try it.’ Or, ‘Hello. You look interesting. Can I play with you?’
In the first example, your little one has just spotted a shiny new thing. Or maybe it’s an object they’ve played with before and are now reminded of. In their world, they are at the centre and the objective is to discover and learn as much as possible. At home with you, the likelihood is that you’d offer it to them freely. But in the less familiar scenario of being with other small children with the same natural urges, they haven’t yet learned that not everyone does this.
The second example, for me, is about starting a conversation. Language begins with gestures, as well as sounds. At this age, playing together is too advanced, but showing interest and playing alongside another are steps along the way. Maybe this interest in what the other child is doing is rooted in the desire to be together. Taking an object may be the beginning of a dialogue.
Both children may need support with their feelings. For the other child, if they are upset, general observations like, ‘You were playing with the ball,’ or, ‘You hadn’t finished playing with that,’ can let them know that you’ve seen them too. It’s also good to notice whether they are actually upset. Sometimes our feelings about the situation are much more powerful than the children’s.
In many situations, there are other similar playthings. You may not need to fetch them yourself. Let the children know that there are more ‘over there’ and maybe one of them will decide to take that option. If necessary, find a few other similar playthings and silently place them close by so that the options are more apparent.
I want to acknowledge that this is not a situation in which you will be fully autonomous yourself. It’s likely that there will be another parent or caregiver to consider, with their own feelings to deal with. It may be equally difficult for them. Ideally, when you’re with friends or in a small group, you’ll be able to discuss how you want to approach these situations.
But in situations with people you don’t know well, this way of doing things may seem unusual and therefore be more challenging. In my parent–child classes, where I model this approach to parents, it soon becomes apparent that this works, and I provide them with a safe environment to try it too. It takes a certain amount of courage to be the one to take this forward outside the space, but the outcomes are very rewarding.
Here are some tips to help you get started. In order to fulfil our guiding role, there are several simple steps to consider trying.
Our children need to trust us – to know we’ve got their backs. By supporting them in these tricky situations, rather than asking them to give up their needs in favour of someone else’s, trust builds and relationships bloom.
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Rachel Tapping helps parents and caregivers to slow down and build loving, respectful relationships with their little ones. Rachel guides adults through a process of investigation, experimentation and embodiment, in person or online, using experiential learning techniques involving play, movement and self-awareness. She is an advanced student of the Pikler approach and has chaired Pikler UK for the last five years. balanced-beings.co.uk and pikler.co.uk
Rachel has a column in JUNO in which she answers your parenting questions. If you have a question for Rachel, you can email her at rachel@balanced-beings.co.uk.
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A callout from Rachel
I’m gathering a group of like-minded parents together to study this approach and to support each other. If you’re interested in finding out more, please let me know here at balanced-beings.co.uk/yes-please
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A shorter version appeared in issue 91 of JUNO. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
