Rebecca Sheikh describes ways we can connect with our children through play, in part two of our Aware Parenting series
In his book Playful Parenting, Lawrence Cohen says, “Play is where children show us their inner feelings and experiences that they can’t or won’t talk about. We need to hear what they have to say, and they need to share it. That’s why we have to join children where they live, on their terms.”¹ Following an explosive morning with my 11-year-old, I was recently flooded with feelings of guilt, which we parents often feel when we want something different for our children, but get sidelined by our own intense feelings and unmet needs. We got through the moment, and it ended with a heartfelt plea from my daughter: “Mum, I just need you to play with me!” Wonderfully, we do learn, and a few days later when she spoke to me in what could be deemed as a ‘rude’ or ‘disrespectful’ way, I invited her to an elbow war instead. Not only did it dissolve the old narrative about behaviour, but her body relaxed, and we ended up laughing and feeling connected.
Before we dive into Attachment Play, it is useful to begin from an understanding that all behaviour is communication. In Aware Parenting, we recognise that there are three main reasons why children behave in ‘unwanted’ ways:
- They have an unmet need.
- They lack information.
- They have an accumulation of stress or trauma that needs to be released through crying, raging or laughing.
Sometimes it is one of these reasons, but often it’s a combination.
In this issue, I will be sharing ideas from Aware Parenting founder Aletha Solter’s book Attachment Play. Attachment Play helps children release the accumulation of feelings mentioned above through play and laughter, and meets their unmet needs through our attention and connection. In turn, the unwanted behaviour dissipates.
Attachment Play is an invaluable resource to embed into the way you parent. It not only helps foster cooperative behaviour and balanced nervous systems, but can also heal stress and trauma in children’s lives. Most importantly, it strengthens your connection to your child. “PCC [parent–child connection] has emerged in recent research as a compelling ‘super-protector’ – a feature of family life that may buffer young people from the many challenges and risks they face in today’s world.”² Solter sees laughter as an especially beneficial component of play that can reduce tension, anxiety, and anger. When my daughter was having a difficult time with a phobia, I suggested she might like to find my toy tarantula to scare me. At first, she said no, but a few days later, it appeared, and she put it in places to scare me. I reacted by screaming in pretend fear, and every time, she laughed. Life went on, and the fear settled down. When I next brought out the spider for another reason, my daughter said, “I think that spider really helped me when I felt scared.”
Play can be initiated by you or your child, and the wonderful thing about Attachment Play is that it is free, it does not require special toys or equipment, and it can take place anywhere and at any time. You will probably already be playing some of the games without realising it. I am passionate about supporting parents to find playful ways to engage with their children. Often it requires us to explore our own childhoods to create the emotional space to engage in this type of play and to heal from arrests in this important part of our own development.
Here is a brief introduction to the nine forms of Attachment Play identified by Solter.
1. Nondirective child-centred play is the holy grail of play. Children choose what they want to play, for a set time, with us fully present. It is important to offer this type of play at least once a week, but it’s most beneficial if we can find time and space each day. It is free play, one to one, with building blocks, dolls, puppets, babies, sand, clay, art materials, or anything else. The adult pays attention but does not in any way direct. (Easier said than done!) The helpful part is that we can choose how much time we can offer our child, so we can give them our full attention. The therapeutic value of this type of play, Solter proposes, is that the “child feels seen, heard, and loved” and it “fosters cooperation and reduces behaviour problems”. It also means the “child can work through conflicts and trauma”.³ Time and again when we offer this play in our family, we see immediate benefits of more cooperative children, reduced sibling rivalry, and an easier flow to the day. Children also bring things they need to heal to this type of play. I left my daughter by accident at the top of the escalator when she was 4 (I was trying to manage the new baby and bags) and a kind lady brought her down to me. She was upset and scared when this happened. A few months later when I offered some ‘Mummy time’, as we call it, she asked if we could play escalators. She directed the play: she left me, I left her, and the game ended with us going down the pretend escalators together!
2. Symbolic play is where we provide props or suggest activities to help heal stress and trauma. It supports children to process specific events. Solter says it “reduces posttraumatic symptoms and resolves related behaviour problems”.⁴ After my daughter had some stitches when she was 2, we brought out the doctors set. She played going to A&E for the next few weeks, re-enacting what happened. This type of play can also be helpful to prepare children for potentially stressful events, such as going to the dentist or starting school. You can recreate a dentist surgery or mini school at home, so your child knows what to expect and can work through scenarios in a metaphorical way.
3. Contingency play is when an adult’s behaviour is contingent on a child’s behaviour. It helps children to develop trust and a sense of powerfulness. The laughter it induces releases stress from feelings of anxiety or powerlessness. Imitation games are useful here. You can pretend your child is a mirror and copy everything they do. One of my favourite contingency play games is the horseback ride where I am a horse and my child must control everything I do. If they tap my head, I go forwards; if they tap my left shoulder, I go left; right shoulder, I go right; my bottom, I go backwards. They love it when I add some silliness and bump into walls or start walking in circles!
4. Nonsense play is exactly that: being silly, making mistakes and displaying exaggerated behaviour. Solter says this is helpful as the “laughter releases frustrations and anxiety about adult expectations or anger”.⁵ My children have always loved it when I put their clothes on all wrong, putting their underpants on their head and their legs through their tops, or if I am reading and I have the book upside down and can’t work out why nothing makes sense. The sillier you can be the better! It builds self-confidence and fosters cooperation.
5. Separation games are games we naturally play with children, such as peekaboo, hide-and-seek, or even chasing games. These games are deeply healing of separation anxiety and trauma, right down to healing early separation at birth.
6. Power-reversal games are another important type of play as children often feel powerless. I encourage parents to see their child as having various cups that need filling. Their cup of ‘autonomy and power’ is often empty, and this may be expressed in their behaviour in ‘unwanted’ ways. In this type of play, we pretend to be weak, frightened and clumsy. It generates laughter, which releases anxiety and anger caused by feelings of powerlessness or parental anger, and reduces aggressive behaviour. My children have always loved playing ‘rolling Mummy off the bed’. Make sure you have a padded landing before the game begins! Pillow fights, noodle fights and thumb wars are all useful here, remembering that this is about our child feeling powerful by winning or knocking us over.
7. Regression games are the most wonderful type of play. I would not have thought to invite them into my parenting, having come from a childhood where any babyish behaviour after babyhood was frowned upon. In regression play, the child pretends to be a baby and we meet them where they are. It can help resolve jealousy of a new sibling or trauma from early abuse or neglect. When my second child was born, my eldest used her nondirective play time each day being a baby. It met her need to be loved and cared for and helped her manage the huge feelings the new baby brought up for her. On another occasion, I spent a night away from my younger daughter when she was 5. She was very angry with me when I got back. Nothing I did was right. Suddenly she said, “I am your baby,” and I held her, gently rocked her, counted all her fingers and toes, and sang to her. After that, she returned to her old self. When I told her how much I loved playing the baby game, she replied that it wasn’t a game, which made me realise that she truly regressed to receive what she needed. The incredible benefit is that it gives children inner strength and fosters self-esteem.
8. Activities with body contact are another favourite in our house. My children especially love clapping games. You can combine some nonsense play here, getting the rhythm mixed up! We also enjoy creating human sandwiches and the magical shoe game, where the children are attached to my feet and I can’t seem to move, and when I rub love cream all over them. Solter says this form of play “helps a child feel loved, safe, connected, and accepted” and it “strengthens self-esteem”.⁶ If they are laughing, it is working; if not, you can go back to the drawing board. Please remember, this play does not involve tickling.
9. Cooperative games and activities. This play is probably the most revolutionary for me, coming from a competitive South African culture where I truly believed you needed to learn how to lose. In fact, Solter states in Attachment Play: “A specific part of the brain (the orbitofrontal cortex) is activated while playing a game cooperatively but not while playing competitively (Decety et al., 2004). This part of the brain is involved in socially rewarding activities, and it’s also the location where decision-making and impulse control occur, such as the control of aggressive behaviour.”⁷ The book Everyone Wins by Josette and Ba Luvmour has loads of suggestions, but you can make any game cooperative, and the research shows it’s worth it!⁸
A little note to you if you do not want to play. That’s OK too. But it is worth reflecting on the three reasons why children behave in unwanted ways, as these same three reasons apply to us when we are struggling to play or to be with our children. Do you have unmet needs that you could proactively try to meet? (You can find a list of needs at wisespeech.org/nvc-needs.) Do you lack information about your child’s developmental stage? Do you need to release stored-up stress through crying, raging or laughing, in an ageappropriate way? I recommend Robin Grilles’ book Inner Child Journeys.⁹ It supports a deeply healing process that allows us to be more available to our children in this way.
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Rebecca Sheikh is a mother to two children, aged 11 and 8. She is an Aware Parenting Level 2 instructor and the regional coordinator for the UK, Ireland, and sub-Saharan Africa. She is also an Inner Child Journey practitioner, sandplay therapist and therapeutic play practitioner. She supports parents and organisations to help the children in their care flourish through introspection, self-nurturing and deep awareness. Rebecca is part of a collaboration called Pathways to Flourish, which delivers parenting programmes and Aware Leading courses in schools. flourishingchildhood.com and on Facebook and Instagram @flourishingchildhood
Illustrations by Louise Coutinho louisecoutinho.com
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References and Further Reading
1. Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence (Ballantine Books, 2012).
2. Nicole Lezin et al., ‘Parent–child connectedness: implications for research, interventions, and positive impacts on adolescent health’ (ETR Associates, 2004).
3, 4, 5, 6. Aletha J. Solter, ‘Attachment Play’ handout (revised version, 2021).
7. Aletha J. Solter, Attachment Play: How to Solve Children’s Behavior Problems with Play, Laughter, and Connection (Shining Star Press, 2013).
8. Josette and Ba Luvmour, Everyone Wins: Cooperative Games and Activities for All Ages (New Society Publishers, 3rd edition 2019).
9. Robin Grille, Inner Child Journeys: How Our Children Grow Us Up (Vox Cordis Press, 2019). awareparenting.com
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Published in issue 92. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
