Motherhood can be a rollercoaster journey, full of glimmers, magical memories, tough days, long nights and moments of doubt. Being a mum is twofold: supporting your child to grow and be healthy and happy, and also nourishing yourself to grow too. In becoming a mother, you can learn so much about yourself, though this can be met with uncertainty, limiting beliefs and negative internal chatter, especially of ‘not being a good enough mum’ or feeling guilty for needing (and wanting) your own space.
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) can support mums to move beyond this. It is a tool that can help to build self-awareness. As an approach, NLP seeks to understand and improve human communication and behaviour. It was developed in the 1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, who believed that by modelling the language and behaviour of successful people, they could create techniques to help others achieve similar success.
NLP draws from psychology, linguistics and computer science, to help people communicate better, overcome limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. It models behaviour and language that works well, and creates a toolkit of processes that can support people. It is based on the idea that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are interconnected, and that by changing your thought patterns, you can change your behaviour and achieve your desired outcomes. Our desired outcomes can be in any area of our lives, from relationships, to work, to health.
NLP considers ‘how’ we do something, rather than ‘why’. This allows us to dig deeper into the ways we respond, which is especially useful if how we currently respond might not be helping us get the outcomes we want. In turn, the process builds self-awareness.
As part of your toolkit, NLP can help you to thrive in motherhood and beyond. Techniques can support parents to manage their stress levels, improve communication with those around them, enhance self-care, overcome limiting beliefs, and strengthen motivation towards desired outcomes. The practice includes a vast array of processes which enable us to understand ourselves and how we do things, so that we can consider our responses. Its core principles cover communication, values and beliefs, goal setting, sensory acuity, and how we can view things from alternative perspectives, among many others.
As mothers, one of the key principles we can learn from NLP is having an awareness of what is happening for us externally as a result of what is happening for us internally. Often it takes time to develop an awareness of internal thoughts, feelings and sensations and how we may be presenting these on the outside, in the external world around us, and, in turn, how our behaviour might be impacting how we parent, and our relationships with our children.
Self-awareness can be developed firstly through an understanding of some of the presuppositions of NLP. Presuppositions of NLP are a series of assumptions that can support more effective communication, with others and with ourselves. The most relevant to motherhood are perhaps, ‘People are not their behaviours,’ ‘Every behaviour has a positive intention,’ and, ‘People respond to their own perceptions of reality.’
These presuppositions can lead us to better understand how we ‘work’. Our brain processes millions of pieces of information per second, the majority of which happens unconsciously. How we experience the world is individual to each of us, and our response to a situation, both internal and external, is dependent on our individual experiences, beliefs, values, and attitudes. Paying attention to this can support us in becoming self-aware.
As mothers, we can start to build our own understanding of our responses, becoming aware of what that feeling, thought or sensation might be and what it might be linked to – for example, a limiting belief. When we start to build this awareness, we can start to make changes (if we want to), knowing we have a choice in how we respond. We begin to understand what we might need to do in order to respond in a more desired way. One simple way to start is to take a couple of deep breaths before we respond, calming our nervous system, and giving us longer to make our choice. Another simple tip to start building this self-awareness consistently is to track your thoughts, feelings and responses through journaling. Looking daily at how we respond to certain situations will develop self-awareness and sensory acuity.
You may also choose to work with a coach who is trained in NLP. They will work through where you are now, what your current blocks are, and where you want to be, supporting you in taking steps in that direction.
Exploring NLP is an incredible way to understanding yourself more deeply and how you ‘work’ as a person. You can use these learnings to support yourself and those around you, including your children, to lead happy, healthy lives.
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Emma Benyon is a self-care and motherhood coach and educator. She supports busy mums who are juggling the school run with a job and building a business with the tools to be less overwhelmed and have more balance, energy and clarity. Emma is a qualified NLP, mBIT and Practical Magic Coach. She is the editor of Positive Wellbeing Zine for Mums and host of the Self Care and Motherhood Edit podcast. emmabenyoncoaching.co.uk and on Instagram and Facebook @emmabenyon.coach
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Published in issue 89. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
