Modern life is very fast. We’ve got used to it, but a newborn hasn’t. He has a startle reaction if his mother lifts him up too quickly.*
So the early months after the birth can be an opportunity for the mother to lift him slowly, and to enjoy an intimate ‘special time’ with her newborn. Unfortunately, many women today feel they are plunged into motherhood, with minimal preparation. How can a mother relax and enjoy being with her newborn when she has so much to learn about the practicalities of looking after him?
“There should be midwives after the birth. That’s when you need them.” [6 months]
Mothers today are part of a generation of competent women who are used to work responsibilities and problem-solving. It’s a point of honour not to give up. So it’s humbling for them to discover that different strengths are needed for mothering.
“At my job, you learn to dissect a problem and in a few hours you’ve got it. But with a baby it’s completely different. You try to comfort him, but sometimes you can’t solve it.” [8 weeks]
“If you take a new job, it’s just a new job, and you take all your old skills and knowledge with you. But as a mother you can’t use any of it.” [11 months]
What is so different about mothering? One disorientating aspect is time. Most mothers have been warned that babies are wakeful at night. ‘Oh, that won’t bother me,’ an expectant mother may think. ‘Look at all the late parties I’ve been to.’ Ah, yes, but that’s when she has some control over her hours. The tiring part of life with a newborn is that he wakes up in his time, and then cries urgently for her help.
A new mother often asks: ‘What day is it today?’ The days of the week used to ‘anchor’ her. Now she is on call, night as well as day. Time can feel shapeless.
First mother: “With my first baby, I thought I’d be stuck with a crying baby who wanted to be carried everywhere for ever. Now I know that each phase passes. But then I thought it never would. People would say: ‘Oh, he’ll grow out of it in a few weeks.’” [12 years; 8 weeks]Second mother: “But a few weeks, even one day, means nothing. You feel as though you can’t bear another second.” [10 months]
“I’ve been reading a book that made me feel terrible. You’re supposed to put your baby down for a mid-morning nap, and they get a special sort of sleep which is different from other kinds of sleep. But my baby won’t do it. Then I decided to follow her, and let her sleep when she wanted. And everything suddenly became simple. She slept for two hours, but at the time she chose.” [3 months]
Many mothers come through these early months by allowing their babies to guide them. But there is no magic formula. Each mother-and-baby couple finds their own way.
First mother: “When does it start getting nice? They tell you after the baby’s born you’ll feel this great whoosh of love. But my baby had colic. Now she can smile, it’s a bit easier.” [6 months] Second mother: “I’m trying to let go of my expectations. Then it’s a lot easier.” [5 months]
“I’ve always liked to be in control. But with my baby, I can’t. With her, I go with the flow and do things the way she likes them. But I find it very hard to let go. There’s a voice in my head telling me I should get things done.” [5 months]“My baby still wakes up at night every hour. I used to be very angry. I’ve got over that now. I think: ‘That’s who he is. It won’t be for ever.’” [8 months]
Amid the trying moments, there are special ones. These might look ordinary to an outsider, but mothers can feel ecstatic.
“I felt I ought to be sociable and talk to my friends. But it was a beautiful spring day and my baby had never seen the spring [because of an extended winter]. I was longing to be alone with him and show him everything.” [2 months]
“When my baby is happy, I could leave him for a few minutes while I do a few things. But then he is so happy that I love it and want to be with him.” [6 months]
Slowly, from being confused and disorientated, a new mother may find she has got to know her child.
“My sister is expecting and she worries about things like: ‘How will I stop my baby crying?’ I said: ‘You do know, if you are with your baby all day, it’s not rocket science. My husband and I both know. If the baby cries, we both know what to do.’” [4 months]
Yet mothers could be much better prepared. Antenatal classes could cover birth and the special time that follows. And a lonely new mother might enjoy a visit from an expectant one who is eager to learn. In periods of lockdown when close proximity isn’t possible, seeing is all-important. An expectant mother could see a not-very-experienced one on screen in her new role, and admire her wordless motherly gestures. And if she could observe several new mothers, she would see for herself that there really isn’t one ‘right way’ of mothering.
This needn’t wait for a national initiative. Friendship groups could arrange visits, real or virtual, for themselves. These would make it much easier for new mothers to relax and enjoy the special intimacy of the early months.
*I’ve used the masculine pronoun to distinguish between mother and baby.
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Naomi Stadlen had no idea that she would give birth to a baby who was a person, right away. She and Anthony have three children, and three grandchildren. Naomi has published What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing, How Mothers Love: And How Relationships Are Born, What Mothers Learn: Without Being Taught, and Why Grandmothers Matter. She runs Mothers Talking, now online, a weekly discussion forum for mothers. She also works as an existential psychotherapist. naomistadlen.com
A more detailed account of the ‘special time’ can be found in What Mothers Learn: Without Being Taught by Naomi Stadlen, published by Piatkus Books. It was reviewed in JUNO, Summer 2020, issue 67.
The illustration, ‘Visiting a New Mother During Lockdown’, is by Louise Camrass. louisecamrass.com
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Published in issue 68. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
