Becoming a father twenty years ago was a challenging experience, made even more difficult by my wife’s battle with severe postnatal depression and PTSD stemming from a traumatic birth that I witnessed. Back in 2004, mental health was rarely discussed in the media, which meant that many women suffered in silence for years. The struggles of fathers during the perinatal period were even less acknowledged.
As a father, I made the difficult decision to give up my self-employed work to care for my wife. This shift brought about significant financial worries, especially since we had just purchased our first home. We were fortunate to have family nearby, but many families today find themselves moving away from their support networks.
I vividly remember experiencing feelings akin to grief, longing for my past life
I vividly remember experiencing feelings akin to grief, longing for my past life. It felt like we were in a bubble, forced to keep my wife’s struggles a secret from others. I was terrified that our baby would be taken from us. At the time, I found it hard to go to the gym or talk to anyone about my feelings. I had been raised with the belief that showing vulnerability was a sign of weakness, that I needed to ‘man up’.
This internal struggle profoundly changed my personality. I didn’t want to burden my wife with my worries or risk making her mental health worse, so I turned to alcohol. My behaviour shifted drastically; in a moment of frustration, around the four-month mark, I even punched the sofa and broke my hand.
Mental health is incredibly complex, and it wasn’t until nearly eight years after my son was born, following my breakdown, that I discovered I had lived with ADHD my entire life. Coupled with the lack of sleep and the trauma of fearing for my wife and child’s lives during the birth, I could understand the multitude of feelings associated with postnatal depression – guilt, difficulty bonding, lack of confidence as a parent, shame and despair. If I’d received support back then, I might have been diagnosed as well.
However, as challenging as it was, one incredible aspect of being home was the opportunity to truly bond with my son. I stopped masking my emotions around him and allowed myself to be vulnerable, which helped deepen our connection.
So, why wasn’t I diagnosed as my wife was? The unfortunate reality is that a significant percentage of fathers aren’t even asked about their mental health, even today. Considering that suicide is one of the leading causes of death among men, we must recognise the need for better support for fathers. The positive outcomes from supporting partners during the perinatal period are clear, and this support should extend to fathers as well.
We know that when fathers experience depression, they are less likely to engage in activities such as playing or dancing with their children. This is particularly concerning given the importance of the ‘1001 critical days’ for a child’s development. There is a pervasive stigma and a notable lack of education surrounding postnatal depression in fathers.
Factors such as changes in testosterone levels can impact a father’s mental health. Encouraging dads to participate in activities such as skin-to-skin contact can significantly enhance bonding and attachment with their child. Both parents need to be supported to foster a nurturing environment for their children.
We often overlook the topic of antenatal anxiety and depression in fathers. When dads experience depression during this period, it can affect their ability to support their partners. Just like mothers, fathers can also endure intense thoughts and symptoms associated with maternal OCD.
Recent advancements in understanding birth trauma have focused primarily on mothers, but it’s crucial to recognise that fathers can also experience PTSD. PTSD, being an anxiety disorder, can arise from witnessing or experiencing a life-threatening event. The trauma of my son’s birth left me feeling utterly out of control.
Encouraging open discussions about fathers’ mental health helps to challenge societal norms that discourage men from expressing vulnerability. This shift can lead to a greater acceptance of seeking help and support for mental health issues. By focusing on mental health, fathers can learn healthy coping strategies to deal with stress, anxiety and other challenges. This not only benefits them but also enhances their ability to face parenting challenges with resilience.
It’s essential for mothers, family members and loved ones to be aware of changes in a father’s personality during significant life transitions. If a father seems withdrawn or different, it’s crucial to approach him with understanding, as he may be struggling internally. Open communication is vital for strengthening relationships, and to foster a supportive environment for everyone involved.
Many fathers, myself included, often feel the need to protect our loved ones by downplaying our own struggles, believing that the focus should be solely on our partners. However, it’s important to recognise that all parents – mothers and fathers alike – need support. The work I do is not about diverting attention from mothers but rather about acknowledging that sometimes it can be the father who is struggling, and this can have a ripple effect on the mental health of his partner as well.
We must remember that families today come in various forms – there are families with two dads, single dads, dads who work from home – and this has shifted fathers’ roles away from that of the traditional breadwinner. Supporting fathers in these diverse situations is crucial for fostering healthy families in the long run.
Recent studies from Canada highlight that approximately 22% of dads experience anxiety and depression during the perinatal period. Unfortunately, many fathers don’t address the root causes of their struggles. It’s vital to check in with fathers by simply asking them how they are feeling. These small gestures can make a significant difference to their wellbeing and help cultivate a supportive environment for all parents.
There is no shame in seeking help. I used to worry about what people would think of me. After all, I was known as the joker, the smiler, the one who always saw the positives. I wish I had known then that reaching out for support could have made such a difference in my life. It nearly cost me everything – my struggles culminated in a breakdown, despite being fit and healthy at the time. Only four months after winning a national kickboxing tournament in the over-35s category, I found myself being supported by community mental health teams.
our understanding of masculinity is shifting toward recognising that seeking help is not just for oneself, but for the benefit of our families as well
The new understanding of masculinity is shifting toward recognising that seeking help is not just for oneself, but for the benefit of our families as well. It can be incredibly difficult, but when you do reach out, it can feel like opening a genie bottle, unleashing all those suppressed emotions that have been kept inside.
There’s a pervasive myth that men don’t talk about their feelings. I have spoken to thousands of men from all over the world since changing my career after my experiences in 2004, and what I’ve learned is that they do want to talk, they just need the right environment to do so. I always tell parents that the quicker you seek help, the quicker the recovery can begin. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Even if you, as parents, have never personally experienced these struggles, there’s a significant chance that a family member or friend might be facing such challenges. It’s essential to approach others with kindness and empathy, understanding that their experiences may be very different from your own. A little compassion can go a long way in helping those who are struggling feel seen and supported.
If you’re a dad, please reach out and talk to someone today. Your feelings matter, and you don’t have to go through this alone. And if you know a dad, take a moment to ask him, ‘How are you, Dad?’ Your support could make all the difference.
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Mark Williams, BCAh FRSA, is an international campaigner, keynote speaker, published author and consultant. He founded International Fathers Mental Health Day and campaigned successfully for the establishment of mother and baby units in Wales. He’s also an ambassador for the charities Mothers Matter Cymru and Mothers for Mothers. Mark enjoys time with his wife, Michelle, being with family friends, music, and attending football matches with his son Ethan. @fathersmentalhealth
For anyone who is struggling you can contact your nearest NHS perinatal mental health team for support and signposting. Hub of Hope, operated by the mental health charity Chasing the Stigma, is a directory of community mental health services in the UK, which will give you information and contact details for services in your area. hubofhope.co.uk
