In 2014, my carefully planned, idyllic home birth with a doula turned into a failed forceps and emergency c-section. I felt broken and a failure. I had lost confidence in myself and my body, and all the while, I was struggling to come to terms with the demands of being a new mum to a colicky baby. I felt isolated and alone with my experience and my feelings. Talking about it over coffee with friends didn’t feel right – it was too deep and raw for that – but having therapy didn’t feel right either. Then I happened to read A Doula’s Journey by Hazel Tree. In it, Tree describes a women’s circle in some detail, and I knew it was exactly what I needed to heal. Being held and witnessed by a community of women in a safe and sacred space was just the nurturing I had been seeking.
I found a few circles locally and attended one, but I sensed it wasn’t a safe place where the whole of me would be welcomed; it couldn’t hold me. So, I decided to start my own. I invited some friends and also some women I didn’t know well but who I felt might like to come.
I carved out a few precious hours in which to hold the circle. I cleaned my lounge and set a little altar in the middle with a candle and some incense. I called on spirit to be with us and smudged to remove unhelpful energies. I felt very nervous. What if nobody came? I decided that even if they didn’t, it was OK. I would enjoy peace and quiet for a few hours in my clean, fresh space, which, actually, was a heavenly prospect!
At the appointed time, there was a little knock and a lovely woman I knew from my local health food shop popped her head round the door. I was immediately relieved! It turned out to be just the two of us that evening. I began by sharing the circle guidelines to ensure it was a safe space, and explained the concept of group sharing using a talking piece – talking from the heart when we hold it, and listening from the heart when someone else holds it.
I used a guided meditation to ground, centre and bring us into our hearts together, then we began sharing what was alive for us and wanted to be shared. Everything flowed naturally for over an hour. There was no fixing or advising, just speaking and listening from the heart. Subjects and events that would rarely be talked about in everyday conversation came up and were honoured in the presence of the circle. With the guidelines in place and no fear of interruption, we felt safe to share more deeply, and with no pressure to respond, we simply enjoyed listening. Towards the end, the energy shifted, and I knew it was time to close the circle. We were complete. We were both left feeling deeply nurtured, relaxed and energised. I was hooked! And amazed at how simply using a talking piece and holding a different intention created such a radically different experience to everyday conversation.
As I began hosting the circle monthly, I came to sense it as an entity with its own wisdom and capacity to hold us. I became clearer about my role in it, which was mainly to call the circle and create the space. I needn’t get caught up in who came or how many. I felt in apprenticeship and service to this higher intelligence. This brought a deep sense of trust, and relief! Numbers fluctuated, and each circle felt quite different depending on who came, but it always felt right and exactly how it was meant to be. Relationship issues, the menopause, identity challenges and parenting were all talked about, often for the first time. I started to hear how the circle was having positive effects in the women’s lives, which they returned to feeling more topped up. They were bringing the voice they found in circle to make positive changes in their home and work life. I envisioned the energy of the circle rippling out and was in awe.
I began to see the potential for circle not just with women, but in couples, families and workplaces, and specialist circles for different life stages and challenges. I thought how different my life would have been if circle had been in it from the beginning. If my family had circled to meet the overwhelming challenge of the terminal illness and eventual loss of my father when I was a child. Instead of fragmenting us, I envisioned it would have brought us closer together and helped all of us to metabolise the fear and grief we were experiencing to bring healing and strength beyond it. If my mother had brought me into the circle of women as a teenager, I can’t help thinking I would have made better, healthier life choices, feeling a greater sense of self-worth and strength.
Looking back, I can see that hosting circles and holding space for women healed the loss of power that had occurred as a result of the birth. It helped me to find the voice that had been missing in my birth: the voice that I had needed to take control of the experience and not be invisible. I have heard many women express difficulties in using their authentic voice and speaking their truth. Looking back at my own life, I see countless examples of when I should have said no – when I should have spoken up and spoken out but had no voice to do so. I feel tremendously excited when I think of the radical potential of women finding their voice en masse in circle. How different would our world be if we started speaking out against the daily injustices and abuses we all witness and face?
The original intention – to have a space to bring my birth story – wasn’t actualised until I was held in circle some years later at a circle not hosted by me. In this role as pure participant, I could more fully let go and not be concerned about holding the energy of the circle at the same time, or gathering myself together afterwards.
My journey with circle is constantly evolving. I have moved from hosting on my own, to cohosting, to moving towards rotating leadership over the coming months. This feels like the most equal way of sharing power and a way for everyone to experience the many benefits of hosting as well as being hosted. I am also completing an online course with Healing Circles Global so I can host circles with this charity online. I am greatly enjoying being part of a community that is as passionate about circle as I am, and I have been surprised at the magic and depth of connection possible in an online circle. I look forward to hosting circles in this way, and allowing circle to be accessible to more people.
I have come to believe sitting in circle is an essential foundation for a healthy culture, and one that has been lost from ours for many years. It’s an antidote for our times: the healing elixir for the fragmentation, individualism and separation of patriarchy and capitalism, for a culture that has lost its heart and overemphasised the intellect. I feel excited to be part of its re-emergence into the world, with the potential it holds to bring healing to people and planet.
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Alison Holmbrook lives with her son in a happy shared house in Glastonbury. She loves living simply, connecting with the seasons and foraging. She is passionate about inspiring, enthusing and informing others to join or start their own circles. On Facebook tinyurl.com/circlesofbelonging
Illustration by Veronica Petrie studiovink.co.uk
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Published in issue 84. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.
