Why it's important to meet your own needs in motherhood

I became a mother at 25. Straight out of university, I left the parental home to travel a bit and make some cash. After spending a few weeks in the north of England, I went to London to visit the man I had met and fallen in love with at a summer festival. (And we have pretty much stayed together since.) Five months into us living together, I was pregnant. What takes some couples years, we covered in months.

I came across JUNO in the health shop where I worked. It was a true godsend to me. I was totally inexperienced, but I knew I wanted a home birth, to breastfeed and to carry my baby in a sling. How hard could it be?

When it came to it, I was often alone at home with my baby. I barely knew anyone, and nobody with children. I struggled with cooking and cleaning and finding a moment to myself. While I didn’t want to let my baby cry himself to sleep, sometimes I didn’t have a choice. I had no extended family nearby to offer help and support.

Growing up in a family where babies didn’t receive much closeness or attention, I wanted to raise my child differently, yet I found our constant closeness too much sometimes. Somehow, we muddled along, and my boy was growing up into a sweet, funny little person. When his brother arrived, I had a slightly better idea how to care for a baby, though I still didn’t have a plan for myself.

As much as I loved my boys, the older they got, the more I struggled. I longed for some quiet me time, when I didn’t have to be running after my boys. I was also going through a rough patch health-wise; it was draining to be constantly surrounded by activity and noise. Deep down, I needed and wanted something more, yet didn’t know what it was or how to get it. As my boys grew, motherhood became more challenging. It seemed as if they knew exactly which of my buttons to press.

Slowly, however, while going through these challenges, I found my calling: nutrition, psychosomatic medicine, writing. The more time I spent doing my own thing, the more perspective I gained. I came across some amazing podcasts and books. I realised that for years I had been suppressing my emotions, my creativity, even my femininity. This process of self-discovery and self-awareness took years (and is not fully over).

When I gave birth to my third boy at the age of 39, I had a much better idea of who I was and what I needed. What had changed? I had changed.

At the age of 25, I needed to travel, experience the world, mature – do things for my own inner growth. Because I became a mother after barely leaving education, I felt as if I hadn’t lived much. 

Most of us are unprepared and we often overlook our own needs. Our baby requires a lot from us, on all levels. Yet the mother needs mothering too. When we don’t know how to replenish ourselves, we struggle. We can encounter health challenges, impatience, the inability to support and nourish our children. It is obvious to me now. I have to fill my own cup first before I can pour from it into somebody else’s. I used to run on empty all the time and I could not be the mama I wanted to be. I didn’t want to lose my temper with my boys or to feel relieved when they went to school or finally fell asleep. But I did.

Once I started my personal reclamation journey, gradual healing happened. I realised that those buttons my boys kept pressing were very little to do with them or with me being a ‘bad mother’. It was old stuff, from childhood mostly, that I needed to revisit, properly look at, and then let go of. Finding other like-minded mamas was another essential step.

I have reached a place of deep stillness and trust within me that nourishes my mind and soul. No matter what is happening on the outside, I can always reach that place within. While I used to struggle being with a small child (it was so boring), now I find it fascinating. The biggest change I have experienced is the capacity just to be. Nowadays, I am excited to spend every moment with my lively toddler as we step into home schooling. Is it going to be easy juggling my career and creativity alongside this? I have accepted I may need to give up or postpone some things, however, I will never fully give up my own life. By fuelling my creative expression, I am nourishing myself so I can be a more present, more fulfilled mama. I am also showing my children that it’s important to allow space for one’s self. 

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Andrea Brooks lives in north Wales with her husband, three boys and a dog. She enjoys knitting, gardening and time in nature. She is passionate about nutrition and psychosomatic medicine and loves empowering people with knowledge and practical tools to reclaim their health – body and mind. happysunflower.info and on Instagram @happysunflower.info

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Published in issue 87. Accurate at the time this issue went to print.