Parenting
Sharing our love: adoption and nurturing, attac...
Why are adoption services suspicious of our nurturing and attached parenting? asks Andrei Sierpinski One of my most cherished memories is a family conversation about a bath caddy in our bathroom. Its chrome finish was getting rusty, and while our daughter (2½ years old at the time) was having her bath, my wife and I started discussing whether we should throw away the caddy. Suddenly, our daughter stood up in the bath and made a speech. She obviously cared about what she was about to say, and she wanted it to sound special, so she used arm gestures in the gaps when she could not find suitable words. She said approximately this: “It is white. It is round. It is beautiful. It holds what we need.” We were impressed with how well she expressed herself. We wished to show her that her opinion is important to us. We wanted her...
Sharing our love: adoption and nurturing, attached parenting
Why are adoption services suspicious of our nurturing and attached parenting? asks Andrei Sierpinski One of my most cherished memories is a family conversation about a bath caddy in our...
The gift of starting a family through adoption
Alice Ellerby talks to Ben about the gift of starting a family through adoption Ben, now in his 50s, describes himself as part of a generation of gay men, many of whom grew up not thinking about parenthood. But when he was in his 30s and 40s, the thought began to emerge quite strongly that he wanted to have a family; he wanted to love and care for a child. He and his now husband, Adam, hadn’t been together long when they started to discuss adoption. There were 18 months between Ben and Adam picking up the phone to their local adoption agency, and their son, Sam, aged 2, arriving to live with them. I ask Ben what the adoption process was like during those intervening months. “It’s feels lengthy, but I would act as an advocate for the adoption process in the UK because it has to be very thorough. There are...
The gift of starting a family through adoption
Alice Ellerby talks to Ben about the gift of starting a family through adoption Ben, now in his 50s, describes himself as part of a generation of gay men, many of whom grew...
Roma Norriss on how to connect with children du...
I live on a steep, cobbled hill, which is also a busy pedestrian street full of pretty, colourful little shops. The talking of passers-by trespasses constantly through my large bay window, so I’m privy to a lot of conversations. Little snippets of sweethearts chirping at one another, some business-y phone calls, and many, many endearing interactions between parents and their offspring. Because this hill is tricky and tiring for tiny legs, most small children ask to be carried. And they get a range of responses, depending on how resourced their parent happens to be in the moment. One of the responses that tugs at my heart most is when a parent threatens to leave their child (or actually walks off) in order to get them to follow. I’m not judging. I’ve been there myself. (In fact, if you saw my article in issue 77 on how trauma patterns are passed...
Roma Norriss on how to connect with children during difficult moments
I live on a steep, cobbled hill, which is also a busy pedestrian street full of pretty, colourful little shops. The talking of passers-by trespasses constantly through my large bay...
One mum shares her experience of selective mutism
Beth Robertson speaks to her mother, Jean Robertson, about Jean’s experience of Beth’s early childhood condition The master bedroom is quiet, but as inviting as it’s always been. The bed is made, and a collection of plushies and figurines stand guard over it from a shelf above the headrest. There’s a desk on the far side of the room, but we are sitting on the end of the bed. The woman in front of me is smiling – nervous but composed – and her eyes are focused on me. We look like opposites – her medium length brown hair contrasting my short red hair – but our eyes are the same. This is my mother, Jean Robertson, and 16 years ago, she was introduced to the condition selective mutism when I developed it after a childhood trauma. “I would describe selective mutism as a child that wants to speak but...
One mum shares her experience of selective mutism
Beth Robertson speaks to her mother, Jean Robertson, about Jean’s experience of Beth’s early childhood condition The master bedroom is quiet, but as inviting as it’s always been. The bed...
Beneath the surface of Mother's Day: four mums ...
In a commercialised society, Mother’s Day may simply be viewed as the next date after Valentine’s Day for which we are inundated with adverts for flowers, chocolates and saccharine cards. We are awash with images and quotations representing an idealised version of motherhood. How often do we stop and think about what dwells beneath these representations? And what is Mother’s Day like if you have a challenging, ambiguous or absent relationship with your mother?In the UK, Mothering Sunday has deep roots, with its origins in Greek and Roman springtime festivals that were held in honour of the mother goddesses Rhea and Cybele. As with many pagan festivals, these later became enveloped into the Christian calendar. Mothering Sunday, celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent, became the day on which people would visit their ‘mother’ church. Domestic servants were given the day off work, and families would reunite. Children would gather...
Beneath the surface of Mother's Day: four mums share their story
In a commercialised society, Mother’s Day may simply be viewed as the next date after Valentine’s Day for which we are inundated with adverts for flowers, chocolates and saccharine cards....
How adoptive parents can love biologically and ...
Adoptive parents like to believe that parenting their children is no different from parenting biological children. As adoptive parents, we cherish, treasure and love our children as passionately and deeply as if they were birthed from us. Parents who adopt their children as infants and toddlers may enjoy many years of family harmony before their children begin to signal unmet needs. Parents who adopt their children between the ages of four and eighteen will often be shown very quickly that biological parenting will be overwhelmingly inadequate to their children’s needs. Some families intuitively know that the behavioural challenges, emotional distance, physical defensiveness and spiritual depression in their children are related to adoption, but many families push that instinct out of their minds, assuming that it is taboo to consider. In my work with adoptive families, I see a disheartening pattern of families consulting with multiple therapists and providers only to...
How adoptive parents can love biologically and parent therapeutically
Adoptive parents like to believe that parenting their children is no different from parenting biological children. As adoptive parents, we cherish, treasure and love our children as passionately and deeply...
Zion Lights asks: can apps be helpful to gentle...
Apps are changing the way we use and treat information in significant ways and it’s a minefield to sort through the ones that are useful to our personal lifestyles and those that aren’t. As with many things, there are gains from using apps, depending on how they are used and the purposes they are used for. Nowhere is this murkier than when we consider natural parenting. Can apps help with natural parenting? The most popular parenting apps seem to be for keeping tabs on our children, and while I completely understand the need to know where your child is and that he is safe, it worries me that these apps have been accepted by parents worldwide without much debate into the privacy of our children. Not only do many of these apps track your child’s location, but they also tell you who the child is with, who she is interacting...
Zion Lights asks: can apps be helpful to gentle parents?
Apps are changing the way we use and treat information in significant ways and it’s a minefield to sort through the ones that are useful to our personal lifestyles and...
Why children use conflict in play and how to su...
This type of play happens quite often in our house, particularly at the moment. Had I not given it careful thought, I could easily have led myself down a path of intense worry about my son’s choice of activity. I could have been critical of myself for allowing such violent play. However, I did not do this.
Why children use conflict in play and how to support them
This type of play happens quite often in our house, particularly at the moment. Had I not given it careful thought, I could easily have led myself down a path...
“But do you still love them?”
Karen Hodgson celebrates her love for her adopted children I was sitting in the waiting area watching my eldest two children doing their gymnastics class; my youngest was snuggled into me, tired, sucking on a piece of apple and feeling my jumper between her thumb and finger as she is wont to do when trying to sleep, while I stroked her hair. Her sisters were doing their best to join in with the others; Liberty’s visible lack of coordination wrung my heartstrings as she tried and tried to balance on the beam, falling, climbing back up, falling again. I felt tears well up for her and wanted to rush and help, but I blinked them back, knowing I had to stay put. My throat felt tight and I had to remind myself to breathe as she tried again and got slightly further along before falling yet again. The other mums...
“But do you still love them?”
Karen Hodgson celebrates her love for her adopted children I was sitting in the waiting area watching my eldest two children doing their gymnastics class; my youngest was snuggled into...
Two Father Family: the joys and challenges of a...
Where it all began We both always wanted to be parents, though as younger adults, we never truly believed it would be possible. But then sometimes, the best things in life are unexpected… just like the day we first met. It wasn’t any kind of fairy tale; it was, in fact, quite awkward. We were out with our respective friendship groups when Rich walked past and slipped me a piece of paper with his name and number on it. At the same time, he tried to covertly tell me to meet him at the bar and that his friends didn’t know he was gay. We chatted briefly that evening and, a few days later, I messaged him and we arranged our first proper date. Since then, it’s been the most amazing journey that started with falling in love, followed by Rich opening up to his family and friends about being...
Two Father Family: the joys and challenges of adoption
Where it all began We both always wanted to be parents, though as younger adults, we never truly believed it would be possible. But then sometimes, the best things in...
